week 2 or 3 or 4 of the lay off (who’s counting?) and i find myself really open–far more open than i’ve ever been–to all the career and/or money-making opportunities that lie before me (all while fearing falling victim to the fuckery of recession stats). i could do anything now. i could make a difference, i remind myself soberly (between random meltdowns). that’s what’s it’s all about, right? hmmm… well this holiday weekend, i didn’t.
i spent the 4th of july in a sweltering apartment, nude, nibbling watermelon with salt. sipping lemonade. water. wine. and late in the evening, i began watching the first season of the wire. i found myself thoroughly enjoying the trash talk and happily joined the crowd… i went much further into my naughty native tongue than usual in the presence of my boyfriend. around family, i let any old shit, fuck, asshole, or muthafucka free that i feel. but with him, i limit myself, out of respect for his cleaner palette, to the occasional, “well, damn,” “what the hell?” “fuck that!” (only if i’m actually pissed), or “i know you think i’m an asshole…” as i begin to explain…
but last night, the wire quickly brought out the best in me. i was telling niggas to get out the muthafuckin game and quit being pussies. i marveled at crackheads, lamented the crooked fuckin cops, and disdained stupid bitches. staring at me in shock as i scowled and cussed at the screen, my boyfriend told me to keep the devil way down in the hole, but i said, “fuck that. the devil is all around.”
during one of the episodes, my thoughts crept back to my own grim reality. every day i wake up stressing about the trajectory of my life and so-called career. what the fuck happens next? this is not where i’m supposed to be. how will i advance? i’ve been staying positive, thinking, this lay off is really just a huge opportunity unfolding. i know more about myself than ever before and feel quite up to the challenge of doing something completely different than what i’ve worked toward if all i had coming from going down that path was a doggone lay off. i am undaunted by so much now. confident that the best is absolutely yet to come. i am SO open to my real life…if only i could get my skills in the right hands, my hands in the right pot, my pot in the right spot…
watching that damned show, i even contemplated becoming a good cop (quietly cheering the tough lesbian officer who was the star of the show in my eyes; turns out, she’s not even a real lesbian), then a dirty cop, then, fuck it, i thought, i need to get my ass on that city of chicago website and find some punk ass job pushing papers for the mayor’s office or something.
but that’s some bullshit, i realized by episode 5. the politics behind the scenes… man, like every other do-gooder before me, i’d be damn-near suicidal working in an environment as oppressive and corrupt as the government…
that night, i fell asleep and dreamed. some time after the bad service at a fast food joint (where they wrapped our sandwiches in another restaurant’s packaging and slid me 50 cents for losing one along the way; i had to cuss them out too because i was still in street-mode), the stick-shift car chase with my former professor, and the passionate speech i gave my cousins about the important work they needed to do with the hurricane katrina victims in memphis (i just finished reading zeitoun), some time after all that random shit compiled itself into one tossed and turned, too-hot, dream state, i woke up, sweaty, transfixed, and thinking, knowing, realizing (and i hope this wasn’t just some fugue shit), i do have something to offer in a classroom. (this thought was surely brought on by the requirements for one teaching position i came across. to apply, i need to first think about and then write my teaching philosophy.)
it was a big leap–from damn-near preaching to my cousins about what seemed like missionary work they were embarking upon with the hurricane evacuees to extracting tidbits from my speech about my actual professorial style that make sense in my real world–but the connection felt real.
in the dream, i issued them advice in the same way i constantly dole out counsel and hopefully trace amounts of wisdom to friends and family who seek it from me on everything from hemorrhoids to dealing with grief and marital issues (little of which do i have any actual direct experience with).
when i abruptly woke from my dream, i reflected on my students last semester at olive harvey and the great time i had with them–challenges and all. they were a little street, a little undisciplined, and a little hungry for at least some of the knowledge i imparted. doing that work, spending that time with them–adult students who didn’t, at first, know the difference between a noun and a verb–was as important for me as it was for them, if not more. we easily crossed over into familial territory, even while i maintained a safe, professional distance. we laughed about our foibles, reveled in our blackness, and stayed true to ourselves. i was amused, on more than one occasion, by how easy teaching came to me….
anyway, i’ve spent too long writing about this today. i should continue poring through job postings so i can watch more of the wire tonight. i am deeply impressed by how the show is being studied in classrooms across the country. like i said, there are nothing but possibilities before me. and i’m so open to them all.
Nonfiction Woman 