so i read this fucking awesome huffpo essay the other day called, “why you’re not married.” it was passed to me by my close friend (who’s married). she’d received it from her husband of all people and when i read it, i thought, WOW. WHO IS THIS WOMAN. HELL YES. DAMN. SHE SHUT IT DOWN. WHOA. YES. AMEN!!! and other things like that. and i scurried over to my facebook page and posted it. now, it’s funny. days later, and of all those single women i know, only a few chimed in. my one homegirl who has dated a lot (but is single, never married), indicated that she needed “a drink after reading that.” another fb friend who is actually my cousin (single mother, never married, kind of over dating, focusing very much on enjoying life and raising her son) diplomatically indicated “that was a very good article.” and yet another friend (single mother of two, in a long distance relationship) seemed to have enjoyed it as enthusiastically as i did and re-posted it on her page with a note to the ladies: “you’re not married because you’re a bitch! thanks…for the great read.” interestingly, conversation that followed that post focused mainly on a girl’s permission to be a bitch.
however, imo, there is sooooo much more to be said about the topic. so i believe, at 10pm on a school night, i am going to undertake breaking this thang down, how i see fit.
i urge you to follow along with me. here’s the link again:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html
and here’s the thing. i know way too many single women. in fact, most women i know are single. and most of them want to get married. as ms. mcmilan expertly moves us through her piece, she begins with the realization, sometimes sudden, that a marriage is wanted. and from what i can tell, in the women who haven’t wanted it all their lives, there does come a point where it creeps then crawls than stampedes through one’s system. as dating life rages on through failures, turbulence, broken hearts, bad sex, hurt feelings, and sometimes domestic violence, a woman finds herself 30 and single. first hints of wrinkles. fat showing up and staying where it shouldn’t. going out to the club and feeling a wee bit more seasoned than the fresh faces, highly glossed, perky boobed, well-heeled girls in line… i totally digress. the point is, over 30, some women keep looking in the nightclubs for what they never found in their 20s. and going home to a cold bed at night is no fun. single women begin to envy these battered-looking hags dropping their kids off at school in the morning, taking turns with their husbands, hoisting car seats, pushing strollers, hosting play groups, supervising at the playground, and chatting in line at the grocery store. she begins to feel constantly, all these folks are married except you. feels kind of fucked up–especially when you thought it was so simple to nag a decent man…
(beyonce got yall all messed up…)
man, i totally digress.
most of my friends are a little more chill than that. they calmly never give up on love. although when we turned 30, and 35, some of us began to freak out. personally, i’m still happily shacking up (well, happily is an overstatement, but i’m certainly not stressing about getting hitched. to one of my single girlfriend’s horror, i even jokingly refer to a ring i sometimes wear on my wedding ring (god) as my shacking ring. shock! aghast! tiffany! that’s bad luck! what do i care? it’s the finger the ring fits! i bought 4 silver rings on 4 different days and 3 fit my left ring finger better than the others. but i’m sending the wrong message….to would-be suitors, god, and the universe apparently. bygones…). it’s not the first time. it may not be the last.
maybe some other women wouldn’t be content with this arrangement. my guy and i have been together 3, 4 years and he hasn’t popped the question. oh we’ve talked about it, but it’s probably best he didn’t ask me because lord knows what i might say. is it wrong that i refuse to get married while poor? is it wrong that i refuse to get married solely because we love each other deeply? as far as i’m concerned, there’s gotta be more to it than that. but geez–i’m getting way, WAY ahead of myself…
mcmilan goes on to discuss the mania that sinks in after that realization plants itself firmly in a woman’s soul…much like a fertilized egg on a uterine wall, growing and permanently changing once-happy girls… our author discusses why she knew how to get married: daddy issues.
she knew how to find a secure man (wish i’d learned that before i got pregnant at 21) and in fact, found and married three. unfortunately or fortunately, none worked out and although mcmilan doesn’t go into great detail about why, i get the feeling that they were secure in a painful way. nonetheless, “without further ado,” she lists the “top” six reasons women are not married, in the following order.
1. you’re a bitch
2. you’re shallow
3. you’re a slut
4. you’re a liar
5. you’re selfish
6. you’re not good enough
i should remind my readers (who exist as ghosts) that this piece was not geared at people like me. it was geared at–well, one commenter said it well (in response to a comment before her’s):
Hey BeachGirl,
Go back and read the VERY FIRST LINE: YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED. That’s the point. You want to get married and no one will marry you. If after years of looking for love and you’ve repeatedly failed, you might want to start considering the source. Which means, look in the mirror sister, it’s not everyone else’s fault.
that said, i know at least one woman who really wants to get married and actually turned her search inward…although i’m not sure how that’s going or went.
as for the rest of these hungry heffas out here, i can’t say the same. it seems there’s no shortage of discussion on the problems with The Black Man, The Gay Black Man, Other Gay Men, Lazy(/Cheating/Lying/Whorish) Men, or other Men with Issues. in some circles, these issues with men allegedly are the cause for women exploring Loving Other Women. to each her own. however, my point is, i don’t hear a lot of self-reflecting going on. and maybe if i did, i would hear more women fessing up to belonging to one or more of the six aforementioned categories.
let’s talk about numero uno: you’re a bitch. there is some of that going on. and understandably so. let’s face it: women in general have been treated like shit throughout history. and a little closer to home for many i know, black women have had to be strong despite the many atrocities inflicted against us. women have to be strong in every race and culture (god, how our strength is undermined and underestimated), but some bullshit went down in black history that kind of ruined normal familial relations for generations to come. we’ve had to raise as many children as we’ve buried, we’ve watched our brothers, fathers, sons, uncles, and grandfathers get locked up, beat down, cheated, and abused. some recovered; many did not. the few who survived had a lot of women to choose from and many chose more than one. so many things… the chosen women bailed them out. rubbed their heads. washed their clothes, cooked their dinners, raised their sons, protected their daughters, and still, even the decent black men who survive(s) our turbulent black history fell victim to the police for driving while black, working while black, and loving while black.
but i know…this isn’t just a black thing… all kinds of women out there desperately want to marry. and frankly, numbers 1 through 6 can pertain to any colored or non-colored single woman i know.
mcmilan says this bitch woman is an angry one. damn right she is. she’s worked her ass off to get where she is and she does. not. take. shit. problem is, it’s really simple in mcmilan’s words…men don’t like bitches. wow. rocket science. two snaps in a circle. (too bad she simplifies your potential spouse as a dud who just wants macaroni and cheese and a big-breasted woman to look at.) your anger and bitterness will get you nowhere. so get over yourself and learn to love. right?
she says, “Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man’s fear and insecurity in order to get married — but actually, it’s perfect, since working around a man’s fear and insecurity is big part of what you’ll be doing as a wife.”
i live with a man. i can be an angry black woman. i must concur. things are so much nicer in the entire house when i’m not mad.
number 2 – you’re shallow… well that one is so good, i have to paste it all here:
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man’s character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you’re not married, I already know it isn’t. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit. Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.
“instead, you are looking for someone tall.” fuck if she didn’t hit the nail on the head. i’m personally guilty of that one, thinking i need a giant looming over me to feel like a lady. but me and my issues aside, my god. there are so many decent guys out there that these fly, angry, shallow chicks wouldn’t look at twice. some are on the bus. some are fat. some work at kroger. and some play the drums, or worse, the organ at the church. it might be that dude at the back of the class (btw, i mean, at the technical college. or in the GED program. not harvard, honey. more like the city colleges of chicago.) it might be that dude who walks kind of funny or blinks a lot or could use a lining, or ANYTHING. it could also be that dude who never even looks your way, preferring instead to focus on playing chess or hanging out talking to old men at the bookstore.
sigh. men of character. mcmilan ain’t lying. shallow women hate cooking.
next up, 3 – you’re a slut. i’m getting sleepy. i ain’t going there. all you sluts know who you are. sit your old asses down. please stop talking about marriage.
number 4 – you’re a liar. this one was particularly compelling because of numerous conversations i’ve had with women who told themselves all manner of bullshit about this man they were trying to be with, who clearly (CLEARLY!) was never going to fall in line in the way she hoped, aspired, and deluded herself into believing he would, or even could.
but then again, the best liars even have themselves, right? well it takes a helluva lot of convincing of self to pull this madness off. it’s bull though. sad, sorry, bull–women who pretend they’re ok with these arrangements. they say ok! (i’ll wait for you! no, it’s no problem! yes, i’m available! sure, i’ll bend over! no, i like it like that! oh, i’d love to help! it’s no problem you didn’t call me back! oh, i understand, i don’t need to meet your parents!), but feel crushed internally when they get dissed, time after time, by the dude who really wasn’t thinking about them like that in the first place.
in fact, it only became crystal clear when he took someone else to the gala, his mama’s house for thanksgiving, the new mega-church, the holiday party, or the weekend in vegas. and oh, if you didn’t get it then, yeah, you must have missed the memo that said now he’s engaged–to the next woman. whoosh. keep it real.
5. you’re selfish. wtf do ppl want out of marriage anyway? oh, the princess life? to be catered to? maybe because my mother and father never coddled me, the concept of a man pampering me remains alien and mystical, nothing i can really expect. it throws me off whenever sweet, kind things happen. it’s rather sad actually, but hey. i’m grateful (ain’t neva had nuffin!). i also believe in looking out for mine. and that means my kid, my man, my family, whoever i love. i don’t feel that anyone owes me anything. my fairy godmother taught me to never give grudgingly, and so i don’t. i found some altruistic place deep inside of me and when i give, it’s because i can, and because i want to. my romantic relationships (particularly since i tend to date non-wealthy men) tend to promote this type of altruism and cooperative spirit and because of it, i understand and value the give and take of decent relationships. plus, i’m a libra. it’s just balance. (although, i can’t say i’m opposed to becoming a kept woman. i’m a writer, man. i really could use the free time to jot down all my thoughts in like, BOOK FORM.)
some of these other women out here? hmmm…… keep waiting for some rich fool to swoop down and save your ass. it might just happen for you. right before you get sold into sexual slavery.
no, really, i don’t think that was mcmilan’s point. i think she spoke more along the lines of: (BITCH) GET OVER YOURSELF.
and lastly–because it’s really time i go snuggle in with my flu-ridden shacking mate (and go fetch him vitamin C, and put the soup away that he didn’t eat, and find out what else he needs so we can have a decent night while he’s sick)– in number 6, mcmilan calls out the women who have somehow internalized the unfortunate falsehood that they’re simply not good enough for a good man. that’s a damn shame. and since this is my blog, i can toot my own horn by saying–i’ve never had THAT problem. :—)
Raphael Saadiq “GOOD MAN” from Isaiah Seret on Vimeo.
it is a sad one though… and you know what, men can tell when women don’t value themselves.
mcmilan writes:
6. You’re Not Good Enough.
Oh, I don’t think that. You do. I can tell because you’re not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.
Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don’t know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won’t love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.
i’m really sleepy now, but that says so much. women are always looking for someone better than they are. nothing wrong with aiming high, but i guess if you spend a lot of time lying to yourself (and others), you don’t even realize that you’re missing the point of marriage by mis-matching yourself. find someone like you (she writes to you all, while thinking it to herself)….someone you can be yourself with constantly.
and now i’m so all over while i review her last few points because they hit home so well–
a. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You’re just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won’t. Once the initial high wears off, you’ll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.
don’t i know it!
b. Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something — it’s about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession — a free-agent penis…
whoa. so deep. so good. so on point. (hmmm….puns intended.)
c. and this last little bit for all you colored and non-colored girls who have considered suicide when the dude from the club you fucked was not enough:
The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don’t deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway — because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self — you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:
Love.
no shortage of love, macaroni, or laundry here in the love nest. and no shortage of dramatic outbursts, shared expenses, ego-stroking, and dish-washing. maybe that’s why i don’t care about marriage.
(i) love,
me
Nonfiction Woman 