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this morning, i woke up thinking i want to believe in something again. i want to start vibing on things, creating my reality again. i want to live in the light, and draw things into my life again. i want to do it because i need to (i’m at a crossroads) and i want to (that shit used to be fun), but also, just for old time’s sake (did i really used to just live like that?).

lately, i spend more and more time reflecting on how i ended up here in this place where i don’t really believe in much of anything–not karma, not positive thinking, not christianity, or living in the light. no one theory works all the time, and sometimes, i want to believe in shamanism or voodoo, see what the ancestors have to guide me, but i haven’t come across much. they don’t talk to me. or i don’t hear them when they do… i used to know this formula for creating my reality, but once i accomplished a few things, or worked so hard on another thing that never came to pass, i kind of stopped believing that simply wanting and working would guarantee success.

probability and talent, not to mention, good connections, seem like bigger indicators of success to me. and the whole thing about god? it just seems like a coping mechanism. people pray right before they die. for what? a smooth entry into heaven? unfortunately for my poor soul, i don’t seem to care much what happens to it when my physical expires.

what i do know, is i can not stop working. can not stop planning. can only do my best, leverage my talent, increase my output, and get myself connected. some people’s lives seem charmed. “highly favored,” as i hear christians say lately. but it seems for just as many people who do the right thing and get *blessed*, there are tons of others who do the same and only get shit, poured down on them in buckets.

decisions, decisions, as they say.

so i wanted to explore pessimism, optimism, and realism today, and how i got to be in this place where i lack an ability to just believe in things… but then i came across this. and then i remembered.

letter to her father

sometimes i resent you. sometimes you annoy me, sometimes you piss me off. but for the most part, i just roll with what our shared reality is…. your contribution to xxxxxx’s life is non-financial and sometimes lacking in other ways… i take care of all the business that relates to her. i decide where she goes to school, what she wears to school, what food she eats, what extra-curricular activities she should engage in. i tuck her in at night, i make her lunches in the morning, if necessary, i walk through snow and ice and heat and rain to get her to school on time every day. and i am always willing to, no matter what. i take her to work with me when i don’t have a sitter, i nurse her when she’s sick, i deposit money into a bank account for her, i worry about where she’s going to go to college and how i’m going to pay for it. i worry about her teeth and urge her to floss to keep her smile beautiful and her teeth healthy. i remember what she’s consumed and use that information to guide me in what to feed her next. i plan her birthday parties, find ways to reward her for being a straight A student. over the years, i’ve been careful to only introduce her to loving, non-threatening friends and associates. i’ve tried my best to teach her how to be strong, and honest, and hardworking, and ethical. i tell her the truth, i give her knowledge, and i try to prepare her for the day when she has to make tough decisions on her own…i try to teach her how to survive. you love her. you’ve provided her a strong sense of family, you are her father, but goddammit xxxxx, you could do more. it really broke my heart so many times over the years that you would never get out of your own fucking way and just fight a little harder for her, or for your other kids. it’s shameful really. and it’s unfair. and it’s all kinds of stuff that doesn’t matter. and i’m not writing now to ask you for anything. as you know, i’m not in the habit of asking for much from you at all. which, i guess, is why it troubles me that the few things i’ve asked you for lately were met with….idk.

xxxxxx has been having some serious emotional problems. mood swings, hopefully hormonal, puzzling nonetheless. xxx and i watch her and talk to her and listen to her every single day. you know how i am, you know my mother and your mother both had effects on me, and i am not the smoothest talker, but i try. i try my best to be fair and attentive and careful with what i say and how i say it to xxxxxx in these challenging times. i am tired, right now. this science fair project is killing me. i have my own list of things to deal with, and i’ve been asking you to help her with the experimentation and production of this experiment for weeks now. you’ve done nothing. fine. so be it. it falls on me. it always does. she’s up past her bedtime and she will be up early in the morning, the same for the next two days. xxx and i will drive her where she needs to go and purchase what she needs to purchase and help her conduct her experiments. i will type, edit, and print her reports and paperwork, i will help her design an attractive board. i will respond to countless “Mom”‘s and go into her room and answer her questions about her board and i will talk her down off the ledge of her emotions as she cries about running out of time (or any of the other gazillion things she finds to be sad about on any given day), i will pray for her to bounce back quickly, and i will finally, on the day of the science fair, load up the car and get her and the project where she needs to go. i will also make sure she has breakfast, and lunch, and dinner, and winter boots, and a winter coat, and gloves, and a hat, and a scarf, and clean clothes to wear, and a toothbrush, and washcloth, and a clean home, and a bedroom with comfortable bedding to sleep in, and i will keep her safe at night, and out of harm’s way. and i will go to bed exhausted. but i will wake up, savoring the last few minutes of sleep, to go to one of my jobs. and i will work on the second job while at the first, and i will continue to apply for new jobs, and for fellowships, and for grants, and i will edit and write and shop my own manuscript around when it is ready. i will take classes and continue to further my education and my earning potential. i will continue to add accomplishments, i will do what i have to do to advance my career and advance my life, to be a living example for my beautiful, smart, and talented daughter. i will show her ANYTHING is possible when you work your ass off to get it. and i will show up for every student conference, i will meet with her teachers, and provide her with books, and the internet, and knowledge, and whatever support she needs to get to where she is going. i will write for her. i will teach for her. i will edit for her. i will do WHATEVER it takes to make sure she is supported, and that the circle i keep around her is loving and strong as well.

it troubles me that you did not help her with her experiment. it really does. that, you could have done. that, would have helped me and her greatly. she needs to do academic things with you. she needs to know that she can come to you for academic support. you are knowledgeable. she LOVES school and getting As and she needs your help where you can give it.

i have to go. she is calling me again.

but i just want you to know, it troubles me that you did not help her with her experiment. there are so many things that you can do for her right here, right now, while you have the chance. she is growing up quickly. she doesn’t ask you for shit and that says a lot. do you ever wonder why?

his response:

ok…

—
Xxxxx X. Xxxxxxx
Motivational Speaker
Inspirational Author

“You were born with what you need to succeed, the rest you’ll get as you grow!”